Andrew Errico, "Yeah I Said It" - Episode XXI
Laurel Hill, Secaucus – It seems like ages since we last vanquished the Sheffield Croutons. Hey GSSL, what’s with the three-week break between League Cup games? I called the GSSL main number for a response, but the answering machine had a woman’s voice weeping, “If this is Bobby, I’m not home. You know what you did and I don’t ever want to speak to you again!” (Side note for Bobby: If watching The Bachelorette has taught me anything, it’s that she will definitely take you back. Just make sure there are enough cameras around).
BORED OF DIRECTORS
We didn’t have practice last week, but we did have the first Secaucus FC Champions League fundraising meeting. Other than Wallis trying to make Sean curse in Japanese, little Gus putting leeches on a passed-out Eugene’s face and Coach Dan’s incessant crying, it went surprisingly well. I had to leave, though, when Nick started shaving his legs at the table (I have standards).
Just about everyone had some great ideas, except for one sad, decrepit form of life- the one and only Adam “Anti-Altoids” Alfi. Even though no one invited him, he spent most of the time declaring jihad on the bartenders and referring to the patrons as “infidels.” Amid his incoherent babbling, Alfi managed to let slip that he wants to play for us in the League Cup. Until that moment, I can honestly say I’d never laughed and cried at the exact same time ( It’s an awful feeling to experience; I imagine it’s kind of like how this guy must have felt).
ALFI
After successfully avoiding eye contact with Alfi for the entire meeting, I attempted to quickly slip out back (I had three previous engagements to attend to- two of them included the Pope and mermaids, the other was my high school swim team reunion), but the bane of my existence grabbed me before I could escape. All he said was, “You need to make fun of me more in your columns.” As you can see, I’ve definitely made a lot of fun of him in this column. But I want him to know that I didn’t do it because he told me to; I did it because this man told me to.
NEW TEAM NAME
There’s much internal discussion going on about whether or not we will maintain the Secaucus FC name. Like anyone with a brain and a libido, I can’t stand the name. It’s boring and as of right now, it’s pretty inaccurate. I’ve offered many alternatives in the past (I still think Chinese Checkers Is For Clowns FC is a winner), but so far no one has come up with a jaw-dropper… until now. Here it is. Bring the little ones… FC Secaucus! It says everything that Secaucus FC does, except (wait for it) it’s backwards. You’re welcome.
PREDICTION
Thanks to (no) effort from Sheffield, our match with Jersey Shore Boca will be for the group. I’ve never played against them, but I did go to the Jersey Shore (once). As much as I enjoyed watching orange people wearing too much Tommy Hilfiger cologne and throw napkins in the air, I hope this experience will be slightly different. I’m predicting a 3-0 victory (because they won’t make it up the parkway after a long night getting kicked out of D’Jais and the Osprey).
As always, send niceties, nuclear footballs and knock hockey videos to andrew.errico@gmail.com.
- May 29, 2009
